HAVE YOU BEEN ABUSED BY A NARCISSIST? 

This kind of abuse can be emotional, verbal, spiritual, financial, sexual or sometimes even physical. Because the tactics used are so insidious, we are generally unaware that we are being subject to abuse (especially if it's mainly verbal, emotional, financial and mental abuse) and are led to believe we are incompetent, stupid, incapable, unable to make decisions, unworthy and so forth. They shift the blame for everything onto you, and embarrass you in company by being derogatory or demeaning. They verbally abuse you and confuse you, deny and lie about everything, so that you are left questioning whether your perception of reality is real or not. You are told you are crazy or insane and need to go for counselling - and the worst thing of it all is that you eventually believe them! The rage if you step out of line or criticize them is incredibly scary and intended to keep you in line. They are very domineering, controlling and manipulative. You lose the essence of who you are and eventually they not only destroy you but break your spirit which is when you want to give up and depression often sets in. Anxiety is always present you walk on eggshells all the time, not knowing when you're going to be the victim of their uncontrollable wrath.

It's a very insidious form of abuse, and for those of us who were unaware that there is such a thing as narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder, we just continue to try - to love them more, hoping beyond hope that they will treat us with kindness and love. We don't understand the hatred that gets spewed at us as when we originally met, they were so loving and caring and great listeners, telling you how wonderful you were, and we believed we'd met our soul mate. Sadly, all of that was just a facade used to hook you as they desperately need narcissistic supply (admiration and praise from others who tell them how wonderful they are). Once hooked it doesn't take too long before they start to devalue you.  To tell you that you are not a nice person, in fact, and you are incredibly flawed and nothing you do pleases them. We stay in the hope that the person who loved us originally will reappear - but the truth is they never do. This is because they didn't love you in the first place.  It was all a lie to serve their own agenda.  They are incapable of love or empathy.  They are grandiose, entitled and extort anyone who is close to them. They believe they are special and more intelligent than most. They always do the talking and life is always all about them. They truly don't care about anyone else due to their lack of empathy and inability to love.

I was raised by a narcissistic mother and then had a long term relationship and eventually married a narcissistic man who isolated me from friends and family, and controlled my every movement and decision I tried to make. Once I finally plucked up the courage to leave the marriage and get divorced, I decided to begin a support group for those who are in an abusive relationship with a narcissist (this may be a parent, sibling, friend, boss, co-worker, daughter or son, or a romantic relationship). We have face-to-face meetings regularly, in the Northern suburbs of Jhb, and will shortly be starting another group in CT. Guest speakers are invited to both educate and assist us to deal with the trauma we have endured and help us to heal. The idea is to share our stories face-to-face with others who truly know what we are dealing with, and to leave feeling supported,  heard and affirmed. We also have WhatsApp chat groups where members can express their difficulties, and receive encouragement and assistance from one another. These groups have been a lifesaver for some and invaluable to many. Abuse should be spoken about and named for what it is. We shouldn't be denying it or protecting those who abuse us. We need to become empowered and put boundaries in place to change our experience of life. It's NOT okay.  We didn't cause it, and we needn't accept it either.

I am an NLP Recovery and Restoration Coach and I coach those who have been traumatized in abusive relationships, to help them to heal (and yes, it is possible!) I'd love you to post your comments on these kinds of relationships in the box below.

Should you want to book a coaching session, please email penny@C2C.co.za