WHY MY FAITH KEPT ME STUCK IN A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP 

Penny - founder of NASG

penny@C2C.co.za

Part 4: 

I once again spiralled down into the dark, hopelessness of depression and this time booked an appointment with a Christian Psychologist as I had no idea what to do to change my relationship for the better. I explained my predicament – that I was married to a man who drank too much and too often, had no integrity, and felt no remorse if he didn’t pitch when we had made plans to go out. If I dared ask where he had been and why he would defend himself instead of apologizing for letting me down without even contacting me to let me know. He would shout at me and accuse me of being needy and overly sensitive. Inevitably he would deny everything insisting that he’d got caught up with an incredibly important deal at work and was unable to make it home on time. However, he would always be drunk when finally arrived back in the early hours of the morning and scoffed at me if I asked him to explain his unacceptable and unloving behaviour. I would be accused of being the one who was unloving and the reason he drank. 

Having heard my story, the advice given by the Psychologist was like a punch in the gut! He said that I was to forgive him instead of being angry and resentful as these emotions would cause me to become physically ill. His recommendation was that the next time my husband came home drunk, I should welcome him lovingly and offer him a cup of tea and something to eat. I should be more loving, have a gentle and quiet spirit that the bible instructs women to adopt, and in this way his behaviour would change, and he would be loving to me instead of choosing to drink and stay out late with his friends. By implication, he was agreeing with my husband that I was the cause of his drinking and was clearly a demanding wife with high expectations from a man who was a good provider and needed to work longer hours at times. 

On leaving that counselling session, I was absolutely mortified. How could an educated man conclude that I was to blame for my husband’s drinking and lack of integrity?! Surely it was he who had a drinking problem? As usual, I began to question myself and do some serious soul-searching to ascertain if he may be right. Perhaps my retaliating to my husbands verbal abuse when I asked questions that deserved a respectful reply, was making things worse. Maybe I needed to change the way I was dealing with his drunkenness; to hold my tongue and give a gentle answer instead as the bible says, “a gentle answer turns away wrath.”

It had become evident over the years that it was NEVER his behaviour that was the problem, but my REACTION to his behaviour. I knew this to be the absurd truth, and now a Christian Psychologist had confirmed that my perception was correct. Shattered by his suggestions and conclusions, and desperate because nobody believed my side of the story nor understood the abusive nightmare I was living, I became more and more depressed, eventually contemplating suicide to end my unbearable reality. It felt as though this would be the only way out of my soul-destroying marriage. My heart was broken as there was no one I could talk to who would support me. His mask in public was so effective that all they saw was a charming, happy, gregarious, and generous man. I had become a shell of my former self; had lost all hope and had no energy to change the situation. I desperately wanted out. 

(to be continued...) 

www.courage2change.co.za for support