WHY MY FAITH KEPT ME STUCK IN A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP

Penny - founder of NASG

penny@C2C.co.za

Part 10:

Society understands Domestic Violence to be physical abuse by a partner or significant other. Although other forms of abuse known as coercive control are legally documented as being domestic violence, this is not being acknowledged in court nor is anyone convicted due to acts of coercive control. In Wales and a few other countries, this is a criminal offence, and perpetrators are given prison sentences. Sadly, unless you can show evidence of the abuse such as bruises, broken bones, burn marks, etc., you will be shamed and questioned as to the validity of your claims. Gaslighting, control and manipulation, verbal abuse, emotional, financial, and even sexual abuse are perpetrated behind closed doors. If our wounds were visible perhaps then people would be supportive of victims/survivors of narcissistic abuse and help them to get out.

A lady on the pastoral team at my church said that I was making the mistake of not allowing my husband to be the head of the home (pretty impossible to do as he wasn’t home much), and to praise him for his efforts and abilities. I was to put him first and not my children. She knew him and said that I must stop focusing on the negative and acknowledge that he is a good provider who buys me expensive cars, jewelry, takes me on luxury holidays and affords me a good lifestyle. “He’s a nice guy. Count your blessings Joy. Things could be so much worse. Focus on his good  points.”’   

I tried, I really did, but to no avail. His good points were very few and far between. There was one however... TRAVEL! I loved it when he went away as it afforded me time to breathe easy and re-group. He continued to use my diagnosis of mental illness against me, taunting me, saying that I’d be found to be an incapable parent if I took him to court. I was trapped as his prediction was probably right. He is manipulative, charming, twists the truth, and would have done whatever was necessary to get custody of our children. I resigned myself to the fact that I’d have to stay until my children had left home.

His goal when we met was to make a fortune before the age of 30, and because of his determination and his partners' questionable dealings, his dream came true. Then, even though money had never been my goal, whenever I challenged his behaviour, he’d shout at me saying that the only reason I stayed in the marriage was because of his money! And then I'd be accused of not loving him. He told my sister, who believes it to this day, that if only I loved him, everything would be perfect. As usual, it’s never the narcissists' behaviour that’s the problem, it’s our reaction to their behaviour that’s the problem, and we are to blame for everything.

The one thing I knew to be true about myself was that I WAS loving. I had no idea that a narcissist projects their bad character traits onto you. According to him I was not only unloving but also “selfish, unkind, unfaithful, deceitful, and had to have everything my way.” The fact is that HE behaves in all of those ways! I wish I had known about projection then. Instead, I took every cruel accusation personally. Eventually, they kill your spirit, steal your joy, and destroy your very essence.  

(to be continued…)

info@courage2change.co.za

www.courage2change.co.za