WHY MY FAITH KEPT ME STUCK IN A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP

Penny - founder of NASG

penny@C2C.co.za

Part 1:

I have been a Christian for 35 years of my life; a very committed Christian and much of my time was spent in Christian activities such as prayer, spending time in the word, going to church and being part of a small group. I love God and am so appreciative of the love He has shown me through His son Jesus Christ. He has always been there for me and without God's love and belief in me, I wouldn't be where I am today. I have no idea how people without faith in a Higher Being or the Universe or whatever some call the Creator, actually get through life. I would have ousted myself many a time if it weren't for Him telling me to persevere and giving me the strength to do so.

You may gather by now that my desire was and still is, to please God in all I do. To me, the bible is an instruction manual on how to live life and provides guidance and wisdom from the One who created us. We are to live a life of love, as GOD IS LOVE and His express command is that we love Him with all our hearts, mind and strength, and love others as we love ourselves.

I was raised by a narcissistic mother and then due to having very low self-esteem and the belief that I was unlovable, unworthy, and not good enough, I married a narcissist.... an alcoholic, a serial adulterer, and an incredibly abusive man. He killed my spirit, stole my joy, and destroyed the essence of who I am. I begged God to intervene and change things somehow so that my relationship would be a loving one. I believed that God could change things such that we would live happily ever after as a family, and that only death would part us. As much as I prayed that God would perform a miracle and soften my husband's heart so that he would treat me kindly and respectfully, that never happened, and I continued to blame myself for the relationship difficulties (as narcissists always shift the blame onto you and you eventually believe them). I tried everything in my power to change my behaviour so that he would change the way he treated me. To be more loving, to praise him more, to keep the peace, to comply, to forgive his infidelity with every affair he had. 

When he had his first affair (or at least the first one I was aware of since we got married), I packed my bags and left home with my children, adamant that this was the last straw and totally unforgivable. All my Christian friends warned me not to go ahead with a divorce as "God hates divorce" - Malachi 2:16 - and made me feel absolutely guilt-ridden for wanting to end a relationship with a man who was abusive and unfaithful. I was told that we are all sinners, and therefore I must forgive because God has forgiven me for all my sins and IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO. I prayed and agonised, weighed things up and deliberated, discussed my situation with everyone who was prepared to listen and ended up believing that they must know better than I as they were seasoned Christ followers. So, I did what I believed would be pleasing to God and went back to my husband who had pleaded with me to give him another chance and promised that he loved me so very much and would NEVER be unfaithful again.

(to be continued...)

www.courage2change.co.za for support