WHY MY FAITH KEPT ME STUCK IN A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP

Penny - founder of NASG

penny@C2C.co.za

Part 5:

My Christian friends were very supportive in that they faithfully prayed for me to be restored to my former self and able to embrace life again. In time, I began to feel better, determined to be strong for the sake of my daughters.

The church I was attending had a counsellor who I saw a few times. He was helpful to a degree as I felt heard and received the empathy I needed; however, he didn’t give me the tools I needed to deal with a drinker who was verbally, emotionally, financially, and spiritually abusive. Eventually, because I believed that the pastor would be more influential in being able to impress upon my husband that his behaviour was unacceptable and unloving (especially as he professed to be a Christian), I asked him if he would be willing to step into the role of counsellor to effect a positive change in our marital relationship. He listened as I explained my situation and then suggested that we come to a couples counselling session so he could hear both sides of the story.

Surprisingly, my husband agreed and we scheduled a time to meet. After listening to what my husband had to say by way of explanation, the pastor, much to my relief, told him that he had to stop behaving in this way. A husband is commanded to love his wife as Christ loved the church – sacrificially, and selflessly – which he was not doing. He put a firm boundary in place that the next time my husband came in drunk in the early hours of the morning he was to move out until he was prepared to change his ways. My husband agreed, no doubt because he was put on the spot with the pastor of the church, and his agenda as a narcissist, is always to ensure that everyone thinks he’s a wonderful person.

Some ten days later he arrived home paralytic, unable to walk and slurring his words, at 3.30 am. I was furious but relieved that at least I knew how to handle this situation. When he awoke reeking of alcohol and bleary-eyed, I calmly informed him to pack his bags and leave. He retaliated and started yelling at me, accusing me of being insane, and simply refusing to go. Shaking with rage I called the pastor for help, explaining that my husband was refusing to leave. I fully expected him to ask my husband to come to the phone so he could speak to him and remind him of what had been stipulated…instead, he sighed sounding very annoyed with my tirade, and said, “Well if you can’t forgive him, then I suppose you will have to insist that he leave.” And that was that. I was left reeling… speechless, completely dumbfounded, and more than disappointed by his reaction. The pastor himself had reneged on his promise to help me put an end to this behaviour, and yet when it continued, he sided with my husband?! Yet again I was told that I was the problem as I was unforgiving.

In Greek, the term "pastor" translates to "shepherd," and traits that help a pastor guide his congregation are highly esteemed. These include being loving and compassionate; honest and accountable, loyal and humble. Having expected to be cared for lovingly and compassionately, his response to my cry for help left me feeling sick to the gut (literally), disempowered, and in utter despair.

(to be continued…)

www.courage2change.co.za for support