WHY MY FAITH KEPT ME STUCK IN A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP

Penny - founder of NASG

penny@C2C.co.za 

Part 8:

In the previous blog, I mentioned that I tried to leave him in 1991. Some nights he wouldn’t come home at all and when I asked where he’d been he brushed me off with an “I slept at Greg’s house” which was supposed to appease me and make it right. After all, doesn’t every married man sleep at Greg's, or Geoff’s, or Graham's house as and when he feels like it? I just couldn’t anymore! His lies and unfaithfulness pushed me over the edge, and I decided, “Blow the advice of my Christian friends, I want a divorce!” I insisted that he leave the house so that our children's lives would not be disrupted, and he went completely berserk using every expletive known to man. Eventually, he very begrudgingly agreed to go. He couldn’t understand why I was being so ridiculous as in his mind he was a good provider and therefore a good husband. After all, his father had been unfaithful many times and had taught him that a husband's function is to provide – full stop. By rejecting him I had induced “narcissistic rage”. An enraged narcissist is terrifying and will do anything to punish you!

He had me followed 24/7 by a deranged work colleague whose boot was full of weapons; he tapped my telephone, harassed me, and hurled abuse at me when he fetched the children. My stress levels were extreme, and this was exacerbated by the fact that I was making bad choices with my newfound freedom. I had befriended a girl much younger than I who was still clubbing and partying with friends, something I hadn’t done for years. With no one to control me, I completely overdid it and partied up a storm; dancing, laughing, and trying shooters with strange names. It was so wonderful to be able to enjoy myself without being chastised for having fun. The downside was that I was getting little sleep, barely eating, and becoming progressively more anxious as to how the children and I would survive - aside from being followed by a “hitman” and subjected to constant abuse from my husband.

Heightened stress levels, fear of the unknown, and a lifestyle that was detrimental to my health affected my mental well-being over time. A couple of weeks later I was hospitalised, and diagnosed with BMD. This afforded my husband the perfect opportunity to move back home and look after the children. When I was discharged, I was SO angry that my determination to get divorced had come to nothing. Life as I knew it continued; screaming, accusations, lies, being ignored, the inability to resolve conflict, silent treatment, control, manipulation, and unfaithfulness. I was bitterly disappointed and completely drained of energy. Living in survival mode is exhausting.

He was very offended that I had attempted to leave him and thereby ruin his public image – that of being the perfect husband and father – and the price I paid was immense. The verbal abuse and name-calling increased; he humiliated me in front of others as he now had “proof” that I was the one with a mental health problem and he was without fault. Bipolar Mood Disorder is listed in the DSM as a mental illness, and he repeatedly told everyone how hard his life was being married to a woman who had such bad mood swings. His mood swings were way worse than mine ever were...Narcissists EXCEL at being VICTIMS.

(to be continued…)

info@courage2change.co.za

www.courage2change.co.za for support