-

 

WHY MY FAITH KEPT ME STUCK IN A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP

Penny - founder of NASG

penny@C2C.co.za 

Part 9:

Words cannot express the extent of my frustration and disappointment. I was seething with anger, this time towards God. How could he have betrayed me!? Why would he allow me to be the one labelled as having a “mental illness” and my husband get away scot-free? I was incensed with the injustice of it all but couldn’t discuss this or admit it to my Christian friends as I knew I would be judged for feeling or even thinking that God, who is love, had betrayed me.

It took about 3 years – yes that long – for me to accept my fate and be able to put my trust in God again. I know. For those of you reading this, you must be wondering how on earth I deduced that God had betrayed me, but I felt that it was he who had encouraged me to take a step of faith into the unknown and out of an abusive marriage. I had reached a point where I believed that God was not okay with the way I was being treated. According to the bible, I am his beloved child and as a parent, I certainly would have been more than happy if my child had left.

I went back to church, attended my home group, read my bible, prayed, and journaled. Once again it was emphasized that God CAN change people and I must just exercise faith and things will turn around. I prayed every day for that miracle of change as well as asked God to search my heart and show me where I could change so that my everyday life would become more tolerable. Learning how to forgive became tantamount so that I could remain calm and not become bitter and resentful. I truly loved God and asked for guidance and wisdom, hoping, trusting, forgiving, reading the word, and trying to be a godly wife. I had great faith and my saving grace was the love, joy, and peace of God that I experienced whilst I was in his presence.

Many years later we went to counselling, again, and I gave him an ultimatum: “Either you stop drinking or I file for a divorce”. The counsellor asked him what his decision was in that regard. He was annoyed at my insistence that he stop drinking, but having been put on the spot, reluctantly agreed to do so to preserve our marriage. She suggested that he join AA as that was the only way that people with drinking problems manage to stop and not start drinking again. He grunted, supposedly in agreement, but once out of her rooms, told me very aggressively, that he was NOT going to be joining AA - he could do it on his own! He managed to keep his word and stop drinking, for a while. He then got fed up and started drinking whenever he travelled, which was often. I was terribly upset when I found out as yet again, he had broken his promise to me, but my daughters convinced me to let it go, as “at least he’s not embarrassing you and coming home drunk whilst he’s at home mom.” I relented because they were right. It did offer me some respite.

(To be continued…)

www.courage2change.co.za

 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

-
Image
WE CAN ONLY CHANGE OURSELVES, NOT ANYONE ELSE   AA and Al-Anon groups pray the Serenity Prayer below: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change The Courage to Change the things I can And the Wisdom to know the difference In the kitchen of my childhood home, hanging on the wall behind the kitchen table, was a tray printed with those words. Although I read it often  and committed it to memory, I didn't really understand the significance or meaning of the words in my youth. Frankly, I had no idea what things I could change, most likely because I was being raised by a very angry narcissistic mother. I tip-toed around her trying to avoid her wrath and I became the "invisible" child, and codependent. I had no voice and lived in complete fear. Courage was not a word I could relate to. I share here an anonymous version of the Serenity Prayer which really speaks to me. It's specifically written for Codependent people: God grant me the serenity to accept th
Read more
-
  THE CURE FOR IT ALL - by Julia Fehrenbacher How beautiful is this poem. Such a wonderful description of how to enjoy life, be in the present and practice self-care...  Go gently today,  don’t hurry or think about  the next thing.  Walk  with the quiet trees,  can you believe how brave they are —how kind?  Model your life  after theirs.  Blow kisses  at yourself in the mirror especially when  you think  you’ve messed up.  Forgive  yourself  for not meeting your  unreasonable  expectations.  You are human,  not  God—don’t be so arrogant. Praise fresh air, clean water, good dogs.  Spin  something from joy.  Open  a window,  even if  it’s cold outside.  Sit.  Close  your eyes. Breathe.  Allow  the river  of it all  t o pulse  through eyelashes, fingertips,  bare toes.  Breathe in, breathe out.  Breathe until  you feel your bigness,  until the sun rises in your veins.  Breathe until you stop  needing anything to be different.
Read more
-
  WHY MY FAITH KEPT ME STUCK IN A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP Penny - founder of NASG penny@C2C.co.za Part 1: I have been a Christian for 35 years of my life; a very committed Christian and much of my time was spent in Christian activities such as prayer, spending time in the word, going to church and being part of a small group. I love God and am so appreciative of the love He has shown me through His son Jesus Christ. He has always been there for me and without God's love and belief in me, I wouldn't be where I am today. I have no idea how people without faith in a Higher Being or the Universe or whatever some call the Creator, actually get through life. I would have ousted myself many a time if it weren't for Him telling me to persevere and giving me the strength to do so. You may gather by now that my desire was and still is, to please God in all I do. To me, the bible is an instruction manual on how to live life and provides guidance and wisdom from the One who created us. We a
Read more