Courage to Change

  WHY MY FAITH KEPT ME STUCK IN A TOXIC RELATIONSH IP Penny - founder of NASG penny@C2C.co.za Part 11 – CONCLUSION The advice I was given from well-meaning Christians kept me stuck. We believe that the bible is truth and strive to live our lives in alignment with instructions given in scripture. If you want to live a life that pleases God, you endeavor to obey His commandments. Christian friends, counselors, homegroup leaders, and pastors all urged me not to get divorced as the bible says, “God hates divorce.” I, in no way, advocate divorce as I know firsthand the devastation and pain it causes for all involved. God, our Creator, hates divorce because of the outcome – broken hearts, a broken home, and devastated children who are then raised by one parent instead of both. This was not God’s intention for families. Children need a functional family with parents who love each other and their children, so that when they leave home, they are well-balanced, stable, confident adul...

  WHY MY FAITH KEPT ME STUCK IN A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP Penny - founder of NASG penny@C2C.co.za Part 10: Society understands Domestic Violence to be physical abuse by a partner or significant other. Although other forms of abuse known as coercive control are legally documented as being domestic violence, this is not being acknowledged in court nor is anyone convicted due to acts of coercive control. In Wales and a few other countries, this is a criminal offence, and perpetrators are given prison sentences. Sadly, unless you can show evidence of the abuse such as bruises, broken bones, burn marks, etc., you will be shamed and questioned as to the validity of your claims. Gaslighting, control and manipulation, verbal abuse, emotional, financial, and even sexual abuse are perpetrated behind closed doors. If our wounds were visible perhaps then people would be supportive of victims/survivors of narcissistic abuse and help them to get out. A lady on the pastoral team at my church sai...

  WHY MY FAITH KEPT ME STUCK IN A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP Penny - founder of NASG penny@C2C.co.za   Part 9: Words cannot express the extent of my frustration and disappointment. I was seething with anger, this time towards God. How could he have betrayed me!? Why would he allow me to be the one labelled as having a “mental illness” and my husband get away scot-free? I was incensed with the injustice of it all but couldn’t discuss this or admit it to my Christian friends as I knew I would be judged for feeling or even thinking that God, who is love, had betrayed me. It took about 3 years – yes that long – for me to accept my fate and be able to put my trust in God again. I know. For those of you reading this, you must be wondering how on earth I deduced that God had betrayed me, but I felt that it was he who had encouraged me to take a step of faith into the unknown and out of an abusive marriage. I had reached a point where I believed that God was not okay with the way I wa...

  WHY MY FAITH KEPT ME STUCK IN A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP Penny - founder of NASG penny@C2C.co.za  Part 8: In the previous blog, I mentioned that I tried to leave him in 1991. Some nights he wouldn’t come home at all and when I asked where he’d been he brushed me off with an “I slept at Greg’s house” which was supposed to appease me and make it right. After all, doesn’t every married man sleep at Greg's, or Geoff’s, or Graham's house as and when he feels like it? I just couldn’t anymore! His lies and unfaithfulness pushed me over the edge, and I decided, “Blow the advice of my Christian friends, I want a divorce!” I insisted that he leave the house so that our children's lives would not be disrupted, and he went completely berserk using every expletive known to man. Eventually, he very begrudgingly agreed to go. He couldn’t understand why I was being so ridiculous as in his mind he was a good provider and therefore a good husband. After all, his father had been unfaithful ...

    WHY MY FAITH KEPT ME STUCK IN A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP Penny - founder of NASG penny@C2C.co.za Part 7: Spiritual abuse includes using scripture against you. My husband was not a person who knew his bible, but he did come to some church services so heard the word being preached. He knew that as a Christian I believed that “God hates divorce”. He reminded me of that many times whenever he could see that I was reaching the end of my tether. Because he knew that I was trying to live my life in a way that was pleasing to God, he must have felt quite safe when he behaved selfishly and did whatever he wanted to do. He had many affairs, dictated what I could and couldn’t do, isolated me from friends and family, and ensured that the only voice I heard would be his. This is the way a narcissist gains control over you, and because you cannot validate whether the way he treats you is abuse or not, you begin to doubt your perception of reality and believe him when he accuses you of...

  WHY MY FAITH KEPT ME STUCK IN A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP Penny - founder of NASG penny@C2C.co.za Part 6: Not long after this devastating disappointment, the pastor “prophesied” over my husband one Sunday at church. He called him by name and said, “God has a specific calling on your life. You have been given the skills and knowledge as to how to create immense wealth, and I heard God saying that He is going to use you mightily to enable those who are called to evangelism, to spread the good news of the gospel far and wide, made possible by the money you can make and donate to the church. You are incredibly gifted and the Lord wants you to be aware of your gift and specific purpose in the body of Christ!”. My husband was beaming having been singled out for his business acumen, and I…. I was like, “Seriously?!!” This, just after our counselling sessions, and me saying that the other problem besides my husband drinking was that he worked such long hours that my children and I bar...

  WHY MY FAITH KEPT ME STUCK IN A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP Penny - founder of NASG penny @C2C.co.za Part 5: My Christian friends were very supportive in that they faithfully prayed for me to be restored to my former self and able to embrace life again. In time, I began to feel better, determined to be strong for the sake of my daughters. The church I was attending had a counsellor who I saw a few times. He was helpful to a degree as I felt heard and received the empathy I needed; however, he didn’t give me the tools I needed to deal with a drinker who was verbally, emotionally, financially, and spiritually abusive. Eventually, because I believed that the pastor would be more influential in being able to impress upon my husband that his behaviour was unacceptable and unloving (especially as he professed to be a Christian), I asked him if he would be willing to step into the role of counsellor to effect a positive change in our marital relationship. He listened as I explained my si...